On toddler boundaries.
Three nights ago we were getting our kids ready for bed and my two year old needed to get his pajamas on. So, of course, (all toddler parents see where this is going) he said “I do it.” Emphasis on “I”. I am sure most can visualize the next half hour of my small toddler trying to wrestle himself into his pajama shirt and, if I should so much as take a step to help him, the same toddler yelling, “no! I’m doing it!” Since he is two he then starts the process from the beginning, because THIS IS BEING INDEPENDENT. We can’t have anyone thinking that mom helped at all…until after a while he asked, “mama, can you help me?”
So how do we know? How as parents can we foster independence while also knowing that toddlers thrive on set limits? How do we know when to let them try themselves? Remember that the whole point of toddlerhood is learning boundaries and part of that learning is by experiencing how their caregivers react to their behavior. I know for me, personally, reminding myself that a toddler is constantly trying to assert their new found autonomy is so helpful in having some grace in my response.
There are some obvious situations where parents are the boss: safety is the first one that pops to mind. I am not going to let a child push boundaries on “safety” rules. A lot of the other stuff is more gray. If you have time it is okay to let a toddler experiment with dressing themselves or packing their own bag for school or helping clean or prepare food. But I also take time to say, “I am here if you decide you need help.” You can always set one limits on these and say, “we have to leave for school in ten minutes, if your shoes aren’t on in five minutes I can help put them on.”
It’s harder when things aren’t going their way and you want to help. Then the meltdown spirals. Right now my two year old gets really upset if I do anything for him that I don’t do for my big kids, (For example, I might put away his plate from the table but the big kids are expected to clear their own dishes) so he gets mad and wants me to bring his plate back so he can then clear it himself. Am I willing to have a tantrum over that? Depends on the day. How am I feeling? Did he nap well? Do I know if he is over tired? Do we need to move on from one activity to another? Is this small gesture to help him out going to bring him confidence and excitement to carry forward?
It’s not a direct answer but I think it’s the way I face toddler parenting. If it’s not a safety issues and the situation is not already stressed or the family isn’t rushed or can be good to take the time to let your toddler work through the situation. However, it is also okay to say “hey, I am sorry I cleared that plate for you, next time I know to let you do it. But right now we are needing to head out the door, can you now help me do this next task of putting shoes on?” If he keeps crying that’s okay. Keep moving forward. You set your limit in that moment and stick to it. You are the best judge of what you as a family can handle in that moment. And remember to take a breath in the moment…you got this. Have some grace because you are learning in this stage of life, too.
I also love certain books and podcasts on this (podcasts are awesome for listening in the background):
